My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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