I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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