dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
