I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
