We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
