I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
