I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
