Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
