I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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