We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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