The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sext me about skeletons
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
