i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
