I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
