Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
