he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
