hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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