A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm going to jail i love you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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