I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
