my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think my moral compass just broke
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