apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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