Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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