i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
