She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
