Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
