In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
