That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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