So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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