Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
