youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
