Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
