Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
