can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
