OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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