Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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