I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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