Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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