if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
