im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
