i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
