i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
