I'm so fucking centered right now
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I party with great urgency now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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