She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
