There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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