Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Your penis caused this!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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