there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
