I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
