This is not my ceiling
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
