I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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