if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
