CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
