I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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