update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
