so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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