im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
