The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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