apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
