Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize