Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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