I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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