sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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