I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
