You can't special order awesome
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
