This dress was meant to end up on your floor
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
