I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
