Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize