just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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