You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
