when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
