Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
