good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
