I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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