tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
