Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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