life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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