I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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