Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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