can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
