Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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