is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
