No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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