i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
