Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
